So THIS is Open Adoption

We've been texting, mailing and messaging photos,since the day we brought him home. We've even talked on the phone...and Monday, God willing, we will see her again. And she will hold Levi. And meet the other children. And I'm nervous. I find myself wondering if she will approve of him--of how we are taking care of him. And then I tell myself, how stupid that is. Because I know that he is where she wanted him to be and far over and above that fact: Levi is where HE wanted him to be. He was meant to be here in our family. But then I notice that his nails need a trim, and I think, "Oooh, I gotta get the clippers, can't let D see him with unkept nails..."
And then there are The Children. Their cute little mugs staring up from the pages of our Dear Birthmother Book might very well have been the deciding factor in her choice. But Monday she will meet the real show--coming to her live, loud, and in person--and probably in her lap. And I wonder what they might say..or ask. Should we coach them with a list of do's and dont's? Or will that make our meeting all the more stilted and forced? Will they meet her and automatically and effortlessly invite her into our circle as they do with church friends, neighbors, the Wallmart Check-Out Lady? Oh, I hope so. And why is it so easy for children to do that?
The last time we talked on the phone, I said, "I love you." It just popped out. I always say that to my family. But I didn't know; I didn't realize she would feel like family. I was surprised to hear myself say it, but I instantly realized it was true. I do love her. And if that sounds a little...off...to you, well, I can relate.
I remember our very first homestudy interview for Marina's adoption. The social worker asked, "How did I anticipate feeling about the birth family and the birth mother in particular?" At first blush, I thought that was a stupid question. Ummm...duh, we are here for a Russian adoption. What birth family? The child will be in an orphanage, without family, abandoned. But of course I knew that wasn't a good, open-minded, adoption savvy response. So I distinctly remember telling her that I didn't anticipate any strong negative emotions (and having positive ones never crossed my mind) toward the child's biological relatives--perhaps, in their situation of extreme poverty, leaving the child in the orphanage was in every one's best interest. However, I indicated that I might feel differently if I knew my child had suffered at their hands. When she prompted, "Such as..?" I gave her a long list: "abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction..."
My babies by adoption have endured all of these evils and then some. And yet, I am not angry at their birthmothers. Sometimes I am angry--but it is at the darkness at work in the world. For them I feel only sadness, regret, pity, hope and yes, love.
And D? When I told her I loved her, she choked on a sob. What kind of a life does one live that hearing that sentiment overwhelms you? I cannot imagine.

Letter to Agency Director

It is passed time for our monthly update to our agency, so I made myself sit down at the computer tonight. Thought to might appreciate a little Levi news, too.


Dear J__,

Levi James will be six weeks old on Friday. He is taking four ounces of formula at a feeding with three and a half to four hours between feedings. At night, we generally have two bottles, but every few nights he will only wake once (yay!). He can hold his head steady when picking it up off of our shoulders and for brief moments on his belly. He is going to be another laid-back, happy infant—we seem to be blessed with that kind. This is an especially admirable quality considering the other children just about go into hysterics if he cries for more than two seconds, “MAMA….Levi is crying! He is crying, Mama!!” (Do they think I can’t hear?) If he were a fussy baby, I would have to have them all sedated. He is enraptured with his paci and dozens of them litter the house and car. We haven’t had a binkie baby since K, so we must re-train ourselves to NEVER leave home without it.
Both his regular pediatrician and specialist say that he is perfect, and we couldn’t agree more. He is probably knocking on nine pounds now—that is my mom-to-seven/daycare director’s estimate—but we will get an official weight at his two month appointment........ We are so relieved and thankful.
We all love him like crazy.

Love,

Nine Hearts?

I'm sure those of you who follow me on facebook are dying to get the scoop on today's announcement: the master and I are adopting again. We haven't been holding out on ya'll. We didn't even have an inkling ourselves two weeks ago. This is how it all went down:
Do you remember when I said,

Due to the nature and circumstances of Cara's adoption we can never rule out a call from our agency--should they get a client or infant in a similar situation--but since they have only had two cases in 25+ years and hundreds of adoptions, it is not likely. If they did, it would definitely be a God thing. Would I jump up and run should we ever get that call? You all know me better than to doubt it.

Weeelllll.....that's kinda what happenend. Except,they didn't call us. We called them. Two weekend ago, on our trip down to Houston, I called in when we hit Lufkin to let them know that we were coming so we would be sure of catching them in the office. I noticed Denise sounded sort of stunned which struck me as odd because we go by almost every time we are in the city. Then, as we were getting off the phone, she said that we were, "just the people they needed to talk to." When we got there we discovered that 20 minutes before I phoned, they got a call from a birthmother that matches the profile of both Marina and Cara's birthmothers. I'm thinking, "Oh, they are going to want us to talk with the adoptive couple about our experience. That must be what 'just the people we needed to talk to' meant." It took a while for it to dawn on me that they did not have any families interested in adopting this child. They were actually asking us if we wanted to adopt the baby. We couldn't stay long and they really didn't have much information themselves at that point, so we left with a, "Yes! We are open to this situation should it develop." Cara had her appointment and we enjoyed the rest of the mini vacation. Came home, told a few folks there was a slight chance we might be adopting again. Heard nothing that week. Wasn't until Friday of the next week that we found out that D, the birthmother's, situation had taken a turn for the worse (and it wasn't an ideal situation to start out with)--and while I grieve that she is having to go through this, it made her commit totally to her adoption plan. They hadn't talked about families with her,but we needed to go ahead and get our references together. After Friday, I was feeling like this thing might actually happen; we told a few more people. Then yesterday, an excited, almost anxious Dennise called to tell us that 1) D has been hospitalized with hypertension. 2)The baby may come early. 3)They told her about us, and she didn't freak out that we have six other kids. 4)We needed all our paperwork and a birthmother book NOW.
We've been running ever since. Homestudy visit is scheduled for next Thursday AGGGGGH!!! After pulling an all-nighter, we fed-exed the book with a stack of documents today, found out Danee is expecting a boy, and told the whole cyberworld we are adopting again.
Hang on tight, it is going to be a wild ride.

He's Still Working Miracles

In two short weeks we will celebrate her seventh birthday. Born two months premature to a heroin-addicted, alcoholic terminally ill prostitute in a country still desperately trying to recover from a fifty year reign of Darkness. Labeled with pages of dire diagnosis for her mental and physical development. Taken to a cold, sterile orphanage of 125 other abandoned children in a city of 69 such institutions. Placed in a group of 24 infants and two caregivers--who held her as little as possible for fear of a disease she did not carry. Her head became mis-shapen from laying in the same position in her crib, elongated on the sides, protruding forehead. Waiting--alone, yet, not alone--for over a year.
This same child reads above her grade level.
She, whose greatest dilemma in life is deciding which of her dolls she is going to play with.
This same child made a perfect score on her mid-term math test.
Last week, the pediatrician, declared this same child, "as healthy, beautiful, and strong a child" as he had ever seen.
This same child cannot walk around in Wall-Mart without drawing stares of admiration and compliments on her beauty.
This same child looked at me yesterday with tears in her eyes and shock in her tone and said, "Momma! Do you know what Sadie said on the bus? Momma! She said no one in her family prays!"


Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!
For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR?
Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. Romans 11:33-36

Update

Talked yesterday with S________ about how birthmother's visit was going. She said it was going good--that they were able to talk through things, and make peace with the past. Then she said, "I've decided that she is my sister. Because Mom is my mom, and nothing is going to change that, and Mom is her mom, too. So that is what she is going to be. My sister."
How wonderful that she came to that conclusion on her own. I see now how wise M____ (adoptive mom) was to allow her freedom to choose what role her birthmother would play.

Truth Hurts-Episode ?

We have a young lady in our church who also happens to be our neighbor. She is a fun girl who does quite a bit with our family--I think I've had her pic on the blog before. She came over tonight to stay with the kids while we did a funeral visitation. Tomorrow is a big day for her. She will see her birthmother for the first time since she was eight years old. She only saw her sporadically from the age of four until then. Her and her brother's young life with their birthmom was neglectful and traumatic. They were subsequently raised and, a few years ago, officially adopted by their maternal grandmother. She told the master she was nervous about the meeting--particularly over not being sure about what to call her.

The master: Well, did you talk with your mom about that?
S: We talked about maybe calling her Aunt _________, but that's weird 'cause she's not my aunt. Then my mom said I should just call her what feels natural.
The master: What feels natural?
S: Mom

After she left, the master wondered if that had hurt M_____ to hear S ______ say that. I didn't think so. S_______ calls me mom all the time, and I've heard her use that name with several other women in the church. I've never been comfortable with it, knowing what I do about attachment, but hadn't the heart to ask her to stop. Especially since she would view it as a rejection. At any rate, the "mommy shopping" behaviors, don't seem to bother M__________, so I doubted she would be overly hurt by the comment. But I knew I would if my child said that to me. It would cut me to the quick. I secretly even hope that my kids will not grow up and call their mother-in-laws 'mom.' I grabbed the first child that came into arms reach--Marina--in a bear hug and half-jokingly cried, "But don't ever let me catch one of you calling someone else 'mom' You hear me? I'm your one and only." I wasn't thinking about Marina being adopted. I would have said the same thing to any of them. But she looked up and said, "Well, there is my birthmother."

Me: Thinking, well, duh, Jessica. But you know sometimes I really do forget. Yes, but you don't have to worry about what to call her. She is your 'birthmother.' only term we have used, with the exception of telling her that she does have her birthmother's name.
Marina: But what will I call her when we go to Russia and I meet her? this blew me away because Marina came up with this idea on her own and remains smiling and relaxed in my arms. She does not seem threatened at all. Up until recently, we couldn't mention the possibility of traveling to Russia without a complete shut down.
Me: Please don't think I am cruel for my next words. I have to tell her the truth as hard as it is. Marina, remember? Your birthmother was very, very sick. The kind of sickness doctors don't know how to make better. She most likely did not live much longer.
Marina: Is that why I was left at the orphanage? I am totally amazed at this point because this is the first time ever that she has seemed to grasp that
1). The orphanage was a place she lived in--as opposed to a lousy daycare where she spent an unpleasant visit and
2) I DID NOT LEAVE HER THERE.
And still she is relaxed and making eye contact.
Me: Yes, she was too sick to take care of a baby--any baby. Even one as beautiful and wonderful as you. Picking her up and smothering her face and neck with kisses.

She lets a giggle escape and skips off. I watch her go, thinking that this has been the least painful of our adoption talks. Then I look at the master and his eyes are filled with tears.

Enlightenment

While brushing Marina's hair--
Abby: with an equal mixture of shock and awe Mom. If it wasn't for adoption, I'd be the only girl in a family of boys.
Me: Yep, you are right.
Abby: now with wholehearted gratitude Thank you, Lord, for adoption!

Commenting on a Comment

I appreciate your respectful comments on my blog post "Find My Family." However, perhaps you did not read it carefully.
I did not say "If you have those feelings, I will have failed." You did. I said, "If they cherish the fantasy of being found by them, I would most assuredly feel as though I have failed." I was speaking in the context of life-long dreams, ultimate ambitions, singular obsessions, not natural curiosity and interest. Of course they will wonder! But, if my daughters' whole adult life is wrapped around a consuming passion to be re-united with their biological family members, I will feel as though I've failed--particularly since, in their case, it will most likely prove impossible. It is my blog, and I'm going to be honest. My goal is for them to be comfortable with that aspect of their history, not DEFINED by it. There is a difference.
My husband and I talk often about their birthmothers and encourage them to include them in drawings of our family. We gave them their birthmother's names so that they would always have a piece of their past with them. I will not feel threatened by any future desire to search for them or other biological relatives; on the contrary, I will help them search. The comparison of me to the mother whose "heart would break" if her son searched is actually laughable. I've known adoptive moms like that--whose world would fall apart if their children searched--but it's not who I am. Regardless, I'm going to be o.k. I anticipate my daughters will know this about me; it is their emotional health I'm concerned about.
If you took the time to read my other posts about adoption you would have known that.

"Find My Family"

This started out as a comment, but it was getting long, and then blogger ate it. I'm retyping it here. It is concerning ABC's new show "Find My Family."

Overall, it was a good show. It definitely left me with warm fuzzy feelings for the birthfamily and I was very happy for the adoptee. Of course, this is television, so we are seeing a "fairytale" adoption story--i.e. the birthparents stay together, get married, raise three other children, live the American dream, all the while never giving up hope of being re-united with their long-lost daughter. I think you would find that stories like theirs are pretty rare. They aren't going to tell you about the prostitute who had to be drug out of a crack house to sign her TPR, the eighth grade drop out who was being sexually abused by her uncle, the biological father who beat the mess out of his girlfriend and hit the road when he found out she was pregnant, or the dear old dad who was about to be incarcerated for 10 years. They aren't about to put that much "reality" in our reality t.v.
I also feel that they heightened the drama on the part of the adoptee. It is important to remember that--while she was glad to meet her biological parents--prior to the cameras showing up, she had not searched for them on her own. Even though her dad had encouraged her to! It was clear to me that adoption was no big, bad boogie man hanging out in her past and shadowing her present, but a fact about herself that she was on good terms with. Sure she was curious, but had she never learned any more about her adoption story, she would have been o.k. with that. I found this very comforting.
I am disturbed by the title "Find My Family" and the multiple references to biological parents/siblings as "YOUR family," "YOUR daughter," etc. The people who raised her and the brothers and sisters she grew up with are her family! In this show, I felt the adoptive parents were being treated like glorified babysitters. Especially when the host commented, that "It is every adopted child's dream to be found." What?! For starters, my girls are not "lost." They are right where they were placed (by an almighty people Placer)--in a family, loved and cared for. We are in closed adoptions--not by our choice--it is simply the way it is. Now, I regret that my daughters will have very little information about their biological backgrounds and that building relationships with their birthparents was not possible, but if they reach adulthood cherishing a fantasy of being "found" by them, I will most assuredly feel that we have failed. I would have to see more episodes; perhaps they would have devoted more time and attention to the adoptive parents had the adoptee been younger. I would choose, "The Missing Piece" or "Back to Beginnings" or "Roots" (wait as second--that's taken!) or something to that affect as a more appropriate title. The title demonstrates that the narrow definition of 'family' as individuals who are genetically linked to you is still alive and well within our culture. A supposition that, as members of the adoption triad, we should continue to work towards changing.

Family Opinion

My friend Debbie wrote a post about the decision to adopt--specifically in regards to the degree your family's opinion influenced that decision. This post is for her.

Al*n J*ckson sings a song, "Chasin' That Neon Rainbow," that contains these lines.

"Daddy won a radio

Tuned it to a country show

I was rockin' in the cradle

To the cryin' of a steel guitar.

Mama used to sing to me

She taught me that sweet harmony

Now she worries cause

She never thought I'd ever

Really take it this far."

I think that about sums up my parents, when it comes to the master and I adding to our family. The lessons I learned on their knees and at their breast--lessons about love and strength, redemption and family, sacrifice and significance--have indeed influenced my desire and decision to give birth to and adopt children, as well as provided me with emotional resources and values to care for them.
But they, "worry cause they never thought I'd ever really take it this far." And that's not only with adoption. On the day we found out that I was carrying a girl, my mom exclaimed, "Great! You have a boy and girl now, so you can stop!" It just made perfect sense to her. Over the years I've tried to explore their concerns and fears about our ever expanding family.
*worry over finances--Will we be able to support them? Where would we live? How will we live? By far, the number one issue.
*concern over my long term ability to cope--Why do I pursue a life that in many ways is such hard work? Will I crack under the strain leaving them with 3...4...5...6... children to raise?
*concern over limited resources--can we give each individual child the love and attention they deserve?
Still to this day my dad will lament that I "have ALL these children." He says 'all' as though it is not a good thing. To which I will respond, "O.K. Daddy, I'll have the kids line up and you can choose which one we should get rid of." He will chuckle. He knows I've got him there.

When my older sister could not carry children, it made perfect "sense" to my parents that they adopt. But when I the middle daughter with three borned children in tow come up with the hair-brain scheme to fly around the world and adopt a baby from Russia it was quite a different matter. They had new and old worries mixed and compounded by two daughters in the adoption process at the same time:
*worries over finances!!! When I told my dad what it was going to cost for Marina's adoption, I thought he was going to have a stroke.
*fear they wouldn't love an adopted child like they did a birth grandchild
*worse fear--they would bond with the child and he/she would be taken back (my sister was trying to adopt through the foster system.)
*worry about the child's medical diagnosis and prognosis
*a sense of awkwardness trying to explain our reasoning to their friends, co-workers, and extended family when they themselves do not understand it
*concern for their daughters' heartbreak if the whole thing did not work out.

Time cured or made them face those fears. I know each of them--all of which are fairly valid--stems from a sincere love and concern for me and my family, so I don't let it hurt my feelings. Love covers a multitude of sins. I don't know how I would feel or react if I doubted that or believed they came from selfish motives--which may be your case, Debbie. I listen with respect and try to hear what they are saying. They are my parents and I honor their opinion, even if, in the end, we must make a different decision. And I must say they have done splendidly despite their misgivings--it just takes them a little while to come around. They love their adopted grand-daughters every bit as much as their birth grand-children. If anything, they are more protective and tender towards them.

All that to say:

Yes, my parents opinion is important to me. No, my parents have not always approved of our decision to expand our family--either by birth or adoption. Yes, in the end, we did adopt/have more children despite that. Yes! Thankfully, they did accept these children. And--purely hypothetically--should we sit down one day and say, "Mom, Dad, we're flying to Uganda to adopt two children from Am*ni Baby House," I won't expect them to like it. They will share all the reasons we shouldn't do it. They will blush in their Sunday school class as they tell their friends the news. They will worry that they will not be able to accept a black child. They will be concerned for the children's health. They will worry about them growing up in a white family in a still very prejudiced south. They will want to know how much it is going to "set us back." They will be convinced that their middle daughter is insane for having EIGHT children and they will wonder if I will ever stop. BUT, they will ask for prayers on our behalf from that same Sunday School class, they will become champions of equal rights, they will keep the other children so I can take the babies to check-ups, Mom will find "the cutest" outfits for them, Daddy will secretly slip us cash, and when we step off the plane, they will be the first ones to hold them.

At least, I'm betting they will. ;0)

A Picture's Worth

I decided it wasn't the right time to discuss the outburst. We had dinner, and ball practice and aerobics. As the days went by, no time seemed exactly "right." I mentioned it to the master and we both agreed that we should sit down and talk to her about how she was feeling. Funny how when you don't really want to do something, the opportune moment never presents itself. And besides, HOW was I to go about it? I can't just sit my five year old down and say, "Hey, let's talk adoption." Well, I suppose I could, but I doubt any productive outcome would spring from a forced, one-sided lecture. I drew a blank on how to introduce the topic naturally.
The incident had all but slipped my mind, until Wednesday night. I was discussing with the children's mission class about passports, what they were, and why missionaries needed them. I asked the class if any of them had passports. We have two children from Mexico and I mentioned that Marina had two passports. A Russian one and an American one. I smiled at Marina. She did not smile back.
When we got home I had the other children ready for bed and asked Marina to bring a piece of paper and some crayons from the art cabinet. I asked her to draw a picture of her family. She took her dear sweet time, savoring this unexpected reprieve from bedtime. She drew grass and a flower and clouds and then started on the people. She chatted as she drew,
"I'm drawing Abby first because she let me play in her room today...and you have a mouth Mommy, and TEETH...I'm drawing Daddy with two legs, because it is day time. Before he takes his fake leg off..." This was taking longer than I bargained for, but it was fun, and she was enjoying herself immensely. She drew the stick figures, and I added names above each head. As she finished up K and Ian, I began to second guess myself. As I looked at her drawing I thought:

She has drawn our family. The page is full. Complete. It is a good drawing, and she is happy. Why say anything to change it? No one else belongs there! Is it really so important that I bring painful stuff up? Just hug her, post her picture on the fridge and send her to bed. This hurts, and I don't like it.

I said, "Marina, someone is missing from your picture. How about you draw your birthmother?"

Instantly she stiffened. She looked at me with eyes that seemed to be waiting for a trap to spring.

I tried again, "Could you draw your birthmother?"

"I don't know." She shrugged.

"Well, just try, o.k.?"

"There isn't room." The voice that sparkled with enthusiasm seconds before was dull and lifeless. Maybe this was a bad idea. A really bad idea.

Trying to keep my tone light, "Sure there is! You can draw her right here next to you."

Seeing that I was not going to let it go, she reluctantly picked up a crayon and added another head to the picture. I was relieved to see that the figure did not look different than the other, smiling heads. If she had drawn something morbid or grotesque, I'm not sure what I would have done. Probably would have called it quits and started searching for a therapist on the spot. I asked Marina if she remembered her birthmother' name. She said she didn't--even though we've told her on several occasions that she has her birthmother's name. I wrote 'Marina' above the head, and to differentiate between the two Marina's, added her last name. By this time, the master had gotten the other children to bed and joined us in the living area. I suggested she give her birthmother some hair. She picked up a yellow crayon and I said, "Yes, I think she might have blond hair like you." She glared at me, put down the yellow crayon and exchanged it for brown. She colored in long brown hair. But then she proceeded to color her hair, mine, and Abby's brown and Cara's orange, so I'm not sure that had any significance. She gave the boys sprigs and then let Daddy tease her about not giving him any hair. Her smile came out again and she relaxed. "Daddy, you don't have any hair!"
I made several suggestions trying to get her to explore what her birthmother might look like, but she resisted this, and I had to let it drop. When the picture was finished the second time, I pulled her into my lap and brought out the infamous bag of rice. I reminded her of the conversation and I asked her why she had punched the picture of the lady. She said she didn't remember hitting the rice. And maybe she didn't. This is a child who, if over-stimulated, stressed, or physically tired (at this point, she was most likely all three) cannot remember her own name. I wasn't getting where I wanted to with this line of questioning. I dropped the rice bag, swung her in a cradle hold, took a deep breath and sailed in:

"Marina, I know you may feel sad and confused when you think about your birthmother. It is o.k. to feel sad. But I hope you will not be angry with her. She couldn't take care of a baby. Any baby. She was sick. Not like when you get a cold sick, but very, very sick. You needed someone to take care of you and she just couldn't give you what you needed. She hoped you would be adopted. And you were! God gave you to us to be our little girl and we love you very much."

So I am crying now, and tears are standing in Marina's eyes. I know I said some other things about trying to meet her birthmother when we were in Russia and telling her how sorry I was that we didn't have a picture but knowing her birthmother must have been very beautiful because she is so beautiful....Maybe she needed to hear my ramblings, and maybe she didn't. But I needed to say it.

Anyway, we did finally kiss her and send her off to bed. She went calmly and quietly, but just as she reached her bedroom, I thought I heard her make a faint noise. Was it a sob? The master went to check on her. I felt emotionally spent and talked out. He stopped at her door and listened. She was laying in her bed weeping. Heart-broken, gut-wrenching sobs. Children should not have to cry like that. They shouldn't. Ever. Outside the room he cried with her for a few moments, but when he went in to comfort her, she tried to dry it up and hide that she had been crying. She's hurting, but she is not letting us in. It's as though....as though she is trying to be strong for us. Is that possible?

Perhaps it was enough to cry? The tears may have been the release she needed for now. Or did I only dredge up my daughter's sorrow unnecessarily? How can I know if I am doing the right thing?

It All Started With a Bag of Rice

A few weeks ago, in the rush to get dinner on the table, I overheard a disturbing conversation between Ian and Marina. As per the status quo, they had been bickering most of the afternoon.

Ian: Look Marina, that woman is Russian. referring to the WaterM*id Rice Lady. Who, is clearly not Russian, but I think is supposed to represent a genie. She is a cartoon figure with bouffant hair, Asian styled eyes, and balloon pants. These pants do look an awful lot like the pants the male Russian folk dancers wear in some pictures we have in Marina's baby book. I'm guessing it was the pants that led Ian to say that.
Marina: No, she isn't. If Ian had said, 'The sky is blue,' Marina would have answered the same way.
Ian: Yes, she is. voice changing to taunting, sing-song I bet she is your Russian mommy.

Heretofore, I had only half attended their words; I instantly snapped to attention. I'd never heard any of the birth children tease, question, or ridicule Marina's status in the family and the direction of Ian's comment alarmed me. They fight, but with honest, above-the-belt punches--things so silly I usually laugh, "You're fighting over that?!" To me, because of my own sensitivity and insecurity, this jab belonged in an entirely different category. I thought, "Oh, no! Has he said these ugly things before, when I haven't been around?" In the next instant, I also remembered how as a child, I tormented my younger sister (both of us born to our parents as full biological siblings) with tales of Mom and Dad finding her in a basket on the front porch. I can still hear my own taunting, sing-song voice, "You're not my real sis-ter...You're not my real sis-ter." Inwardly, I breathed a sigh of relief. Most likely this was a new take on normal brother/sister stuff-not adoption related at all-at least on Ian's part. Nevertheless, I couldn't let his statement go unchallenged, though I wish now I had waited and heard Marina's response.

Me: firmly No. Marina only has one Mommy. Who is that?
Unison: looking guiltily at me and answering reluctantly You. They didn't realize I was listening.
Me: repeating words I have said a million times. Yes, I am Marina's mommy. Marina grew in another lady's tummy--her birthmother--but I am her mommy forever. Looking sharply at Ian. Just like I'm your forever mommy. Adding briskly to signal this conversation was C-L-O-S-E-D Now, get that rice put up and finish setting the table.

I turn back to the pot on the stove. The children turn toward the pantry. It is clear from their hushed tones that they think I am no longer able to hear them.

Marina: Ian, let me see that bag.
Ian: No.
Marina: louder hushed tones Ian!
Ian: Why?
Marina: whining Let me have it!
Ian: Why do you want the rice?
Marina: I am going to punch it.
My back was to them, but I hear Ian hand her the bag and she hits the rice bag with a balled up fist. It's amazing it didn't bust all over the floor.
Ian: suppressed giggle You punched her! You can tell he did not see this coming from his little sister and is highly amused. They have gone from being arch enemies to best buds--also typical.
Marina: triumph mixed with bitterness. Yeah. I punched that Russian momma.

As I'm sure you have guessed, this is not the end of the story, but this entry grows long. Follow-up post to come.

Questions

Debbie did a post this week on [adoption] questions she gets when she is out with her daughter, Isabel. She asked for other adoptive parents to leave the questions they have received in comments. Rather than clog up her comments, I thought I'd address a few in a post of my own. Right after we brought Cara home, I did a similar entry here--of course, since no one knew we were adopting (we didn't know ourselves), it came as quite a surprise and folks peppered us with questions. We don't have to deal with many questions on a day-to-day basis, and I'm thankful for that.

1. How much did it cost? By far the most frequent. If it is someone who is asking because they are seriously considering adoption themselves, I will honor this question with a straightforward monetary amount. If not, I keep things pretty vague, "Our international adoption was rather expensive." or "Not very much." Depending on which adoption they are asking about. I really feel I need to come up with something better, especially since Marina is old enough to understand what is being talked about. I don't like people discussing her as though she were a cut of meat. I've thought, "Not as much as your Escalade." Or, "Just a few dollars more than your new swimming pool." But that was Ethyl talking, and so far, I've been able to keep her at bay.

2. Just this week someone at church asked us, "Does she [Marina] remember her life in the orphanage?" And we've been asked that before. This is a tough one. No. And Yes. No, Marina does not have specific memories of her first 13 months of life, i.e., "I remember when...." Judging from her verbal development, I would be shocked if Marina' s first true "memories" date before the age of four--three and a half at the earliest. Prior to that, her brain did not possess the linguistic capabilities required to store them for retrieval. But I believe in some part of her brain, expressed usually as primal emotions, those experiences do still affect her. Example: She immediately takes to grey haired older ladies, particularly if they are in lab coats/hospital scrubs. Once, when I was taking the older children to an eye doctor appointment, she ran to a nurse (probably in her mid-sixties) and hugged her, smiling, and looking in her eyes. For Marina, that's HUGE. For a moment, I thought my child had been body snatched, and then it hit me. The nurse reminded her of the orphanage doctor. Not that Marina could have told me that, or understood why she instantly liked and trusted this stranger, but I honestly believe it to be the case. When we were visiting the orphanage, the doctor was the only one Marina would smile for and follow with her eyes when she was in the room. She would even reach out for her, and the doctor always spoke sweetly to her in a sing-song voice. None of the other caregivers that came and went did that. I believe the doctor may have been her one source of adult/infant exchange from her first year and on some level Marina was attached to her.
She as other "buried" memories from orphanage life that are not so pleasant, but I won't go into that.

3. Concerning Cara: Is she mixed? or What is she mixed with? These type of questions regarding Cara's racial background peaked around 4-5 months of age and were always from AA women. I guess they are just more aware of color? And are not shy about asking? Haven't had one in a while, though at church the other day someone was remarking on her big brown eyes and asked if we knew What her parents looked like? I got the feeling it was a backward way of asking if she was white or not. Anyway, I told her yes, "We know exactly what her parents look like. Her father is a good looking bald man age 35 with a prosthetic leg and her mother is a 5 ft. 4 in. brunette who could stand to lose 15 pounds."
This summer when we took Cara down to the agency to show her off, the director kept commenting about "how light she was." She said that when Cara was a little baby, she had almost looked bi-racial African American (is this why she drew attention from the AA ladies at the grocery store?), but now she could "pass as white." The way she said it was as though she thought that we should be pleased about this. Now this lady is not a prejudiced person--they place children of all races and mixed races with parents of all races and mixed races--and she relates so well with the different groups. I've witnessed that myself. It makes me wonder if she thought we were relieved that her skin tone had lightened up? We didn't--and still don't--care. We hadn't even noticed. Should we have? Did she mean that Cara will have an easier time in life if she can, "pass for white?"--in the sense that she won't stand out from the rest of her family? I don't want her to have to "pass" for anything. Along those same lines, a relative recently made the comment that Cara's looks were changing, and then she said, "She doesn't even look Hispanic any more." I didn't know how to take that. Was she just making a statement of fact--as she saw it--or insinuating that "not looking Hispanic" was a good thing?

4. And just for grins, the question that makes me chuckle every time: Does she talk Russian? and Does she understand Spanish? Seriously people, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

No one ever said it was going to be easy...or cheap!

EDIT--Debbie, it bothers us, too. It's crazy, in this day and age, that we have different prices for different races. And the ladies at our agency don't like it either. Two of them have adopted African-American children. But, if they did not keep the cost for AA adoptions lower, there would soon be infants who were placed at birth waiting in foster care. As it is, they still have to place out of state in many cases. An upshot is that the lower cost is a big incentive for African-American couples--who might not otherwise consider adoption--to pursue placement. Our agency places AA children with AA parents whenever possible.
That being said, when we were going through the homestudy and thought we would be matched with an AA child, we told Denise that even if it took us twenty years, we would pay the same amount for the adoption of a white, healthy child.
++++++++++++++++++

*sigh* For the last five years, the master and I have been unofficial spokespersons for adoption. I guess it is something you fall into when you decide to adopt. When people discover that we are an adoptive family, they in turn will know someone who is interested in adoption or trying to adopt and will pass along our information. Occasionally, said persons will follow through and contact us. At first, I was over-the-moon excited to share with anyone and everyone about adoption, but I suppose I've grown cynical and pessimistic. Perhaps because we've met with too many Terrys and Buds (names have been changed) over the past half-decade. I've run out of patience for the "It's too expensive" nay-sayers. Read the following from the bottom to the top (Terry's in green, the master's in red, and mine in blue) and tell me honestly if the tone of my response is totally lacking in tact and grace. I'll leave it to ya'll if I should just hang up the Adoption Proponent badge.

Terry,

I am so sorry this e-mail has taken so long! I just realized it has been sitting in my in-box FOREVER. I guess I don't pay attention to e-mails from my husband; he is usually e-mailing his sermon notes back and forth from the office.
Well, I don't really know where you are in the process. You mentioned that you are a fertile couple, so do you already have children in the home? If you have children, and have a heart for adoption, but are not able to afford a private adoption, you might want to consider going through the state foster/adopt program. This would be the best option if you are only open to a white child and are also open to older children (ages two and up) and siblings. Infants are seldom available for adoption, but you could foster an infant who might later become available for adoption. But that is always an emotional risk. My sister and her husband fostered many children, and did eventually adopt four of their foster children (one single child placed at 18 months and a sibling group of three, ages 3 and 5 at placement), but it was not a road without heartache.
If you contacted [agency name], you realized you did not mis-read the information. An adoption for a white, healthy, clean (not drug exposed) baby is going to cost you 30+ grand. It is shocking at first, but trust me, they are no more expensive than most other agencies in the country. This money goes to care for, shelter, clothe and counsel the birthmother throughout pregnancy, agency advertising for women looking to place their children, as well as pay the salary of [agency]'s staff. Believe me, they don't get paid near what they are worth. They work long hours for little pay because they believe in what they are doing. (And no, they don't pay me to say that! I just really love these ladies.) Adoption of other races and mixed races is significantly less--around $15,000 for full African-American and going up from there to full Caucasion--as well as adoption of special needs children. [Agency name] actually receives a state stipend when they place special needs children in adoptive families and that family's adoption cost them little. Which is how this poor pastor's wife brought home Cara last year, in case you are wondering.
Your other route is international, but I will say the international adoption scene is very bleak right now. Many countries have closed and those that remain open have long referral waits (again for healthy, young children). If your husband is nervous about the cost of a domestic adoption, he won't even want to go there! Marina was adopted from Russia at 13 months. Our international adoption price-tag (once we paid for travel and in-country cost) was well over $30,0000. At the time, [the master] was making little more than that annually. We were poor as church mice--literally. We got a few grants, sold stuff, sold cars, held fundraisers, worked extra jobs and took out a loan. She's been home four years, and we just paid off the last of her adoption three months ago. Was she worth it? All of it, plus a million times more. You do what you have to do for your children, and God is faithful. If it is something you feel He is leading you to do, He will provide. I know that sounds pretty cliche, but I'm not just saying that--I've lived it!
I hope this helps and let me know if you need any more information.

In Christ,
Jessica

Terry,

Do not be discouraged. Adoption is very expensive, but there is help. My wife is an expert on this subject. *Whatever! This man really loves me. He grossly over estimates my capabilities* She knows the "ins and outs" of the adoption world better than most people in the industry. I am going to forward your e-mail to Jessica, and let her respond with specific information to help you. Believe me, we understand the discouragement! The adoption process can be overwhelming at times. Keep praying and get all the information you can. Since you are so close to [agency name] go talk to Jan or Ann or Debbie. I guess that you found their web-sight. These ladies are the best! They can give you more information, and they would never try to talk anyone into adoption. We will be praying for you and Bud.

God Bless You as you seek His will.

Bro. [the master]

*Terry met the master at a family funeral that he was presiding over. A family member told Terry that we had adopted, and since she lived close to our agency in Houston, he gave her the agency's website and phone number in addition to his business card*

[the master],
I received information from [agency name] on adoptions. I’m very interested, whereas my husband needs to think on it a bit more. I think we’d be perfect candidates, but the cost is really going to throw my husband for loop. It’s crazy expensive! It appeared that it is $8000 up front, then $8000 halfway through the process, then another $17,000. Surely, I read it incorrectly. I’ll read it again tonight. Maybe it’s the 8K+8K+ another K. How can any average family afford a child? The literature said that there are more kids than adoptive families – no wonder. That’s really discouraging. I’m still fertile, so it doesn’t make sense to adopt at that rate. That’s a bit selfish, but factual and I’m sure I’m not the first person to have that thought. Do you have any tips? Are there programs out there to assist with finances? We make a good living, have a great home, are well grounded in our beliefs and practices as Christians, we are all around stable. I feel really disappointed.
Any words of advice from experience?

Blessings,
Terry

Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY, Monday, July 13, 2009
Outside My Window...pavement is cooling off after our third straight day of 100+ temperatures
I am thinking...about all the various tasks, phone calls, and forms that have to be completed to open the daycare center by the end of August.
I am thankful for...Cara becoming (officially) a Su_____ on Friday! She is forever and legally ours. At least, I am assuming that the paperwork went through. We had a stickler for a judge (that has been our luck twice) and she wanted a sentence added to the document before she signed it, but she said she was granting our petition. Our lawyer said he would have the revised document in her hands by Monday. And I am also very thankful that though my new nephew arrived a little over two months early (he weighed in at two pounds and eleven ounces), both he and my sister are doing well.
From the kitchen...family favorite of Cr*ck P*t lasagna, corn casserole, and for dessert, angel food cake.
I am wearing...last summer's army green walking shorts that I have been avoiding all season for fear that they would no longer fit me, but they do! A trifle snug, but I don't recall them being excessively loose a year ago, so I'm good.
I am creating...a childcare center.
I am going...after two weeks of traveling to the lake house, home town, Lake Charles, on to Houston for court last week, and then to Dallas on Saturday, my plans are to stay blissfully at HOME!
I am reading...I'm in the middle of a series of novels by Karen Kingsbury
I am hoping...my daycare will fill up the first week, I'll run at 90-100% capacity, and within two years I'll get an offer to buy the building and business for half a million dollars. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
I am hearing...distant sounds of the kids supposedly cleaning the bathroom.
One of my favorite things...that angel food cake (topped with cool whip and Hershey's syrup) I just polished off wasn't too bad.
Around the house...much of our time and energy is being focused down in the daycare suite; things are a little messy.
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week...Start interviewing employees tomorrow and CPR/First Aid certification coming up.

A picture thought I'm sharing:

A very blurry picture of the family in court on Friday. My dad didn't know how to turn on the flash. Or motion Marina into the shot. She was standing on the other side of Abby.

This is the part where I tell you to enjoy more daybooks by visiting http://www.thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/ , but the Simple Woman has taken the summer off, so this is all you get.

Clarification

I was just reading over the comments from my last few posts and thought I should clear something up on my "Two Pieces" post. When I said paying off our adoption loan meant a child would be coming home, I was not speaking of THIS home. We had a loan with A Child Waits Foundation. They are a non-profit organization that works solely in funding low-interest loans for international adoptions. When we pay off our loan, the principle and interest goes right back into helping another family.
No, we do not see a third adoption on the horizon. As always, we have plenty of irons in the fire, but changing this blog to "Nine Hearts" is not one of them. Due to the nature and circumstances of Cara's adoption we can never rule out a call from our agency--should they get a client or infant in a similar situation--but since they have only had two cases in 25+ years and hundreds of adoptions, it is not likely. If they did, it would definitely be a God thing. Would I jump up and run should we ever get that call? You all know me better than to doubt it.
I have many things that I want to see happen in our family. I'm hoping to settle in one place. I'm desperate to get out of debt. I'm looking for us all to grow in grace and knowledge. But I'm not longing for a baby. Actually, I'm starting to think I may be cured of baby-fever forever. I'm savoring and enjoying every moment of Cara's infancy, but it is completely lacking the sorrow and nostalgia I felt with Randy. I was quite sure he would be my last baby, and I wasn't 100% o.k. with that. With Cara at nine months old, I'm still feeling like six is a good--maybe perfect--number.

Adoptive Mama Tag

Marina=pink

Cara=purple

1. How many months (days, weeks, YEARS...)We went to orientation in April of 2002. Marina came home in May 2005. Homestudy completed in March 08. Cara was born in June.
2. WAS YOUR HUSBAND EXCITED? Not so excited about the process (but then, who is?), totally excited about the person. Ditto.
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS WHEN YOU GOT "THE" PHONE CALL? I couldn't get excited about the call. It was more of a feeling of, "Well, finally." Also, it was delivered in such a backhanded way--our agency representative going into medical concerns and warning us not to make a decision until we had come in for a match meeting and done some research. I was ecstatic after the match meeting. I was in a state of shock. Our file was supposed to have been on hold. I was happy, scared, excited, surprised...
4. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FOUND OUT? I remember being in the computer room of our old house. I was in the kitchen (in our newer, old house) with the daycare kids and my mom. 5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 26 when she came home and 29
6. WHAT IS YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH-COUNTRY (and province or city)? St. Peterburgh, Russia Corpus Christi, Texas
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? I have no idea. I can't remember! Suzi had to be among the first. She was my mentor during the whole process. By chance, my mom happened to be in the room when I got the call. I called the master next, pretty sure my sisters heard from mom. Tried to keep the number down to the bare minimum until we heard if she had chosen us or was going to go with another agency.
8. DID YOU REQUEST A BOY, GIRL, OR EITHER? Either. Ditto.
9. HOW OLD WAS YOUR CHILD AT REFERRAL? six months. one day.
10. WHEN AND HOW DID YOU SEE YOUR CHILD'S FACE/PICTURE FOR THE FIRST TIME? Match meeting November 2004. Birthmother showed us her one blurry polaroid in the wee morning hours of June 25 2008.
11. WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU BOUGHT FOR YOUR CHILD? Can't remember. I know we took a baby photo album on our first trip and left it with her. I also made her a quilt. Some preemie clothes, and she had to have a nameplate for her NICU bassinet, so scrapbooking supplies!!
12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? The attitude of the agency staff which was, "You have children, so who cares how long you put your life on hold for this adoption?" and, of course, the paperwork. At first, the hospital staff did not accept me as the mother. There were a lot of insensitive/rude/ignorant comments made by the nurses and doctors, which surprised me. You would think--in their profession--they would use appropriate adoption vocabulary/language. It's not like I was the first adoptive parent they've had to work with.
13. WHEN WERE YOU ABLE TO TRAVEL? From match meeting to first trip 2 1/2 months. First trip to second, 4 months. The next afternoon.
14. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Nope. 4th and 6th babies don't tend to have showers, but they got lots of goodies anyway.
15. HOW OLD WAS YOUR CHILD WHEN YOU SAW THEM IN PERSON FOR THE FIRST TIME? 9 months 2 days
16. DID YOU PACK ANYTHING SPECIAL JUST FOR YOUR BABY? Marina had her own suitcase packed with stuff for the coming home trip! Just as we were leaving, some ladies from church dropped by with a gift of clothes, burp cloths, bibs, socks, etc. I'm so glad I took that with me. At one point, C.C. asked to look at it. She was very excited to see that we had brought gifts for her baby. She thought and voiced (throughout the process) that we were only adopting Cara out of pity. Little things like a pretty present for the baby, helped her to understand that we were thirlled about the baby and wanted her more than anything.
17. WHAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT YOUR TRAVEL EXPERIENCE THE MOST? How much I would miss the U.S.
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS WITH YOUR PAPERWORK/PROCESS? Yes, our dossier sat for over nine months on a bureaucrat's desk. He was waiting for a bribe. Then afterwards, there was a delay between trip one and trip two. (At the time, it was the longest wait on record with our agency. In today's process, it would probably be considered relatively short). Our domestic adoption was MIRACULOUSLY SMOOTH. The only incident--and we didn't know until after the fact--was C.C. delayed signing the relinquishment documents. Our agency representative was so afraid she was going to run without signing them. Without her signature, Cara would have gone into foster care. Our worker risked life and limb--seriously--to track her down before she disappeared.
19. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MEMORY OR PLACE YOU VISITED IN YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH COUNTRY?THE BEST? We loved visiting the winter palace and the National Russian Museum. We are also so glad we made a point to worship with a local body of believers while in St. Petersburgh. That was an experience we will never forget! I will always remember the middle of the night trips to the NICU. Holding Cara and singing hymns and lullabies in a room filled with the smallest and most fragile of God's children.
20. HOW MANY DAYS/WEEKS WERE YOU IN YOUR CHILD'S BIRTH COUNTRY? Five days first trip. 11 days second. A little less than three weeks.
21. FAVORITE PLACE/THING TO EAT WHILE THERE? Pelmini. Chicken Kiev. Stroganoff. The Mexican food in Corpus is WONDERFUL!
22. FAVORITE PLACE TO SHOP WHILE THERE? The market in Moscow. N/A.
23. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU ON THE PLANE GOING/LEAVING? 18? 1 1/2?
24. WHO MET YOU AT THE AIRPORT? Parents, sisters, friends, church members, the kids. The kids, my mom and dad.
25. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DID AFTER LEAVING THE AIRPORT? WENT HOME!!! Went by Starbucks and picked up lattes for the agency staff. Then we went to the agency office and signed our placement papers.
26. WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR ADOPTION DAY? We call it, "The Day the Judge Said, 'Da'" for Marina. I don't know for Cara. We were with her from the first.
27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? We gave them their birthmother's names. And a virtue for a middle name: Joy and Grace.
28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN (adopted) TODAY? Two months shy of five years old. I can't believe it. Seven months.
29. ARE YOU PLANNING TO GO BACK TO THEIR BIRTH COUNTRY SOMEDAY? Yes. If we aren't at war. Yes. I'd love to take a vacation there this summer and show her off in the NICU.
30. HAVE YOU STARTED OR ALREADY MADE YOUR CHILD A LIFEBOOK? Yes. She has a baby book in process and a smaller album from birth to coming home completed.

They Get It

If the concept is so simple that an eight year old can explain it to a six year old, why can't the rest of the world understand? The following is a conversation I had the privilege of overhearing between Abby and our next door neighbor B:

Setting-Abby, Randy, and B are gathered around Cara's bouncy seat, taking turns making her smile. After a few giggles...
B: Is she your sister?
Abby: Yes
B: But I thought your mom said she didn't come out of her belly?
Abby: She didn't.
B: Then how is she your sister?
Abby: We adopted her, so she is my sister.
B:Oh, o.k.

Flashback Friday

There is a challenge floating out there to post referral pictures. I'm always happy for an excuse to share cute pictures of my kids!

Here is Marina's referral picture. She is 5 1/2 months old. My apologies to the folks who had to endure 3 months of pushing this same photo in your faces, but look at this way, you've had almost a four year break! We also had a video. The video is better, but now we have no VHS player, so we need to see about getting it converted to DVD. When we went to pick Marina up, an earlier photo was also given to us--around two months old--but it is even smaller and you can't see much of her face.

No referral picture for Cara! When we drove down to south Texas, our worker Denise, had not yet been able to visit the baby. All she could tell us was that, "she heard she was beautiful." That was a true rumor if ever there was one. Someone (social workers? nurses?) snapped a poor quality Polaroid picture of her at birth, that I saw the night we met C.C., but there was only one, and I taped it to the inside of our birthmom book. I'm glad I did! I remember being embarrassed that she had such a crummy photo, and felt sure that we would bring her a whole stack of wonderful pictures the next day to replace it. But by the next day, she was gone. Here is the first picture we took of her with our camera. Notice how big the newborn binky looks compared to her head. She was so little!

The earliest photos of the rest are sonogram, and they pretty much all look the same :0). Funny side note: The Christmas we were waiting for Marina, was emotionally tough for me. I made an ornament with her referral picture and hung in on the tree--symbolic of my hope that she would soon be with us in person. Every year when we trim the tree, I let Marina hang her special ornament (Yes, it still brings a tear to my eye!) And every year one of the older [birth] kids will whine with jealousy, "Where's my referral picture? Why don't I have a referral picture?"

It Only Took Me Six Tries

When we started looking into another adoption eighteen months ago, we thought in all likelihood, we would be matched with an AA child. I read up on racially mixed families. I remember a comment from one adoptive mom in particular. She said that adopting across racial lines meant that suddenly your family became "conspicuously adoptive." I pondered that statement a long time. While we eventually decided we could handle that adjustment, I knew and admitted to our social worker that it would be the most difficult transition for me.
We already turn many heads when we are in public because of our size. I suppose by now I should have a thicker skin, but if I am being honest with myself, the stares, comments, questions and whispers, still annoy me. Oh, I have my carefully thought out responses always ready, but it bothers me that I have to use them at least once each and every time I stir out of doors. Just one time in three years have I had to broach the additional topic of adoption with these nosey strangers. And in truth, that was a relief for me. Because Marina is white, people naturally assume that our "weirdness" is limited to having an "insane" number of children. Any questions of, "Are they all yours?" are answered in the affirmative. Sometimes, someone will notice that Marina is very tall for her age (not like the rest), but I choose to simply say, "Yes, she is" and leave it at that.
We believe Cara is at least partially Hispanic (1/2, 1/4?). Her birthmother, C.C. was 100% Caucasian, but that is the minority in south Texas. We love Cara's beautiful black hair and dark (my mama calls them "Spanish") eyes. So far, we have had two comments from strangers. Both were from African American women on separate occasions who--after looking over the other children--asked, "She looks mixed. What is she mixed with?" I found that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I said, "She is adopted. We believe her birthfather was Hispanic." Do you think that was all right? Or perhaps, I should say, "She is adopted." and leave off the part about her birthfather. As long as I didn't have the master with me, I could say, "She is half Hispanic." and not even bring the whole adoption thing up. NONE of it is their business, but I am reluctant to respond rudely to rudeness.
And I'm learning there are funny moments for bi-racial families, too. A few weeks ago, we were sitting at Wendy's after Sunday night church. Two older ladies began to comment on our family. They didn't realize that--in talking loud enough for audibility between each others' hearing aids--they were broadcasting the conversation to the entire restaurant. They exclaimed over the amount of food on our table. Recalled all of their acquaintances who also had large families. They counted the children. They grouped boys and girls. Made guesses on their ages. They noted how well the kids behaved. Remarked how pretty and fair they were. And coming to the end of the dialogue, their eyes came to rest on me as I held Cara.
"And look at that! She finally got one that looks like her."
Ha, ha, ha. I smiled broadly at them. Those near-sighted ladies made my day.