This started out as a comment, but it was getting long, and then blogger ate it. I'm retyping it here. It is concerning ABC's new show "Find My Family."
Overall, it was a good show. It definitely left me with warm fuzzy feelings for the birthfamily and I was very happy for the adoptee. Of course, this is television, so we are seeing a "fairytale" adoption story--i.e. the birthparents stay together, get married, raise three other children, live the American dream, all the while never giving up hope of being re-united with their long-lost daughter. I think you would find that stories like theirs are pretty rare. They aren't going to tell you about the prostitute who had to be drug out of a crack house to sign her TPR, the eighth grade drop out who was being sexually abused by her uncle, the biological father who beat the mess out of his girlfriend and hit the road when he found out she was pregnant, or the dear old dad who was about to be incarcerated for 10 years. They aren't about to put that much "reality" in our reality t.v.
I also feel that they heightened the drama on the part of the adoptee. It is important to remember that--while she was glad to meet her biological parents--prior to the cameras showing up, she had not searched for them on her own. Even though her dad had encouraged her to! It was clear to me that adoption was no big, bad boogie man hanging out in her past and shadowing her present, but a fact about herself that she was on good terms with. Sure she was curious, but had she never learned any more about her adoption story, she would have been o.k. with that. I found this very comforting.
I am disturbed by the title "Find My Family" and the multiple references to biological parents/siblings as "YOUR family," "YOUR daughter," etc. The people who raised her and the brothers and sisters she grew up with are her family! In this show, I felt the adoptive parents were being treated like glorified babysitters. Especially when the host commented, that "It is every adopted child's dream to be found." What?! For starters, my girls are not "lost." They are right where they were placed (by an almighty people Placer)--in a family, loved and cared for. We are in closed adoptions--not by our choice--it is simply the way it is. Now, I regret that my daughters will have very little information about their biological backgrounds and that building relationships with their birthparents was not possible, but if they reach adulthood cherishing a fantasy of being "found" by them, I will most assuredly feel that we have failed. I would have to see more episodes; perhaps they would have devoted more time and attention to the adoptive parents had the adoptee been younger. I would choose, "The Missing Piece" or "Back to Beginnings" or "Roots" (wait as second--that's taken!) or something to that affect as a more appropriate title. The title demonstrates that the narrow definition of 'family' as individuals who are genetically linked to you is still alive and well within our culture. A supposition that, as members of the adoption triad, we should continue to work towards changing.
Quest or Quench
4 months ago
2 comments:
I know just what you mean about that comforting feeling that she just didn't seem to care about learning more.
Biggest complaint or review I've heard is not liking the name and then that they didn't show the adoptive family. I'm anxious to see an episode with the adoptee doing the searching soon.
I like your name suggestions. The show this became a spin off from is called the Locator, which I liked even less.
Hi Jessy -- I wondered in 'cuz I'm trying to write a post about Find My Family (I'm an adoptive parent) and first I did a blog search to see what other people were saying. I had to comment on this line, "but if they reach adulthood cherishing a fantasy of being "found" by them, I will most assuredly feel that we have failed."
I think is an awfully heavy load to place on our kids. "If you have these feelings, I will have failed." I mean, we can't control how our kids feel and their feelings -- whatever they are -- aren't necessarily an indication of how "good" we are as parents. Lots of adoptees who had wonderful relationships with their adoptive parents and adore them and always felt respected and loved want to search. Not all of them do but lots of them do. Why shouldn't they? Most of us are curious about our roots especially when we're developing our identities as teens and again when we're building our own families. I certainly spent a lot of time digging through my own family history (I'm not adopted) because I was trying to figure out who I was in college and if my adopted daughter did the same, that would seem like a natural part of her growing up.
The way I see it, helping my daughter integrate her two families in her own heart and mind is part of my job as her mom. This has been easier for us because we have a fully open adoption on her mom's side but she struggles, too, wondering about her birth dad who isn't a part of our lives. I imagine there will come a time when she wants to try to contact him. This has nothing to do with how much she loves my husband, who is very much her beloved daddy just as her love for Pennie (birth mom) has nothing to do with her love for me. It's no different than how I love my mom's parents and my dad's parents --- it was never a contest to see who could be my favorite grandma and loving one didn't preclude loving the other.
I have a friend who is adopted and wants to find his birth mom because he's curious but he says he won't search until his mother dies because it would break her heart. Think about that -- do you want to be that big of a barrier? Do you want them to lie to you about wanting to search because they're afraid of hurting your feelings? Or do you want them to know that you love then unconditionally no matter what they choose to do? That you love every part of them including the part that wonders? Don't you want to be a part of their whole story? If they do search, don't you want to share their frustration and joy? Or do you want to be closed out of that part of their lives?
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