Questions

Debbie did a post this week on [adoption] questions she gets when she is out with her daughter, Isabel. She asked for other adoptive parents to leave the questions they have received in comments. Rather than clog up her comments, I thought I'd address a few in a post of my own. Right after we brought Cara home, I did a similar entry here--of course, since no one knew we were adopting (we didn't know ourselves), it came as quite a surprise and folks peppered us with questions. We don't have to deal with many questions on a day-to-day basis, and I'm thankful for that.

1. How much did it cost? By far the most frequent. If it is someone who is asking because they are seriously considering adoption themselves, I will honor this question with a straightforward monetary amount. If not, I keep things pretty vague, "Our international adoption was rather expensive." or "Not very much." Depending on which adoption they are asking about. I really feel I need to come up with something better, especially since Marina is old enough to understand what is being talked about. I don't like people discussing her as though she were a cut of meat. I've thought, "Not as much as your Escalade." Or, "Just a few dollars more than your new swimming pool." But that was Ethyl talking, and so far, I've been able to keep her at bay.

2. Just this week someone at church asked us, "Does she [Marina] remember her life in the orphanage?" And we've been asked that before. This is a tough one. No. And Yes. No, Marina does not have specific memories of her first 13 months of life, i.e., "I remember when...." Judging from her verbal development, I would be shocked if Marina' s first true "memories" date before the age of four--three and a half at the earliest. Prior to that, her brain did not possess the linguistic capabilities required to store them for retrieval. But I believe in some part of her brain, expressed usually as primal emotions, those experiences do still affect her. Example: She immediately takes to grey haired older ladies, particularly if they are in lab coats/hospital scrubs. Once, when I was taking the older children to an eye doctor appointment, she ran to a nurse (probably in her mid-sixties) and hugged her, smiling, and looking in her eyes. For Marina, that's HUGE. For a moment, I thought my child had been body snatched, and then it hit me. The nurse reminded her of the orphanage doctor. Not that Marina could have told me that, or understood why she instantly liked and trusted this stranger, but I honestly believe it to be the case. When we were visiting the orphanage, the doctor was the only one Marina would smile for and follow with her eyes when she was in the room. She would even reach out for her, and the doctor always spoke sweetly to her in a sing-song voice. None of the other caregivers that came and went did that. I believe the doctor may have been her one source of adult/infant exchange from her first year and on some level Marina was attached to her.
She as other "buried" memories from orphanage life that are not so pleasant, but I won't go into that.

3. Concerning Cara: Is she mixed? or What is she mixed with? These type of questions regarding Cara's racial background peaked around 4-5 months of age and were always from AA women. I guess they are just more aware of color? And are not shy about asking? Haven't had one in a while, though at church the other day someone was remarking on her big brown eyes and asked if we knew What her parents looked like? I got the feeling it was a backward way of asking if she was white or not. Anyway, I told her yes, "We know exactly what her parents look like. Her father is a good looking bald man age 35 with a prosthetic leg and her mother is a 5 ft. 4 in. brunette who could stand to lose 15 pounds."
This summer when we took Cara down to the agency to show her off, the director kept commenting about "how light she was." She said that when Cara was a little baby, she had almost looked bi-racial African American (is this why she drew attention from the AA ladies at the grocery store?), but now she could "pass as white." The way she said it was as though she thought that we should be pleased about this. Now this lady is not a prejudiced person--they place children of all races and mixed races with parents of all races and mixed races--and she relates so well with the different groups. I've witnessed that myself. It makes me wonder if she thought we were relieved that her skin tone had lightened up? We didn't--and still don't--care. We hadn't even noticed. Should we have? Did she mean that Cara will have an easier time in life if she can, "pass for white?"--in the sense that she won't stand out from the rest of her family? I don't want her to have to "pass" for anything. Along those same lines, a relative recently made the comment that Cara's looks were changing, and then she said, "She doesn't even look Hispanic any more." I didn't know how to take that. Was she just making a statement of fact--as she saw it--or insinuating that "not looking Hispanic" was a good thing?

4. And just for grins, the question that makes me chuckle every time: Does she talk Russian? and Does she understand Spanish? Seriously people, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.